I bought you a wall clock!

Gifts are fun.  We like to receive them.  We like to give them.  Gifting is good times all around.

Unless it's a bad gift.  Or a ridiculously expensive gift from someone you didn't get a gift for and now you feel completely taken off guard and end up buying said Gifter some overly priced piece of shit from the Museum Store to settle up.  Because that's what we're doing sometimes when we gift, isn't it?  We're trying to keep the score even.  Aunt Lucy gave me socks last year so she gets a candle this year.  Whereas the mailman surprised me with a homemade batch of cookies so he gets warm cocoa and a crisp twenty when he comes by this year.  It's not supposed to be this way, right?  Gifting is about treating someone you care about to something you think they'll enjoy.  Well, at least it should be.

Too often we get wrapped up price tags and the expense of a thing rather than what the thing has to offer in the first place.  I know some people, who shall remain nameless, who don't enjoy Christmas because of the stress of the season.  They can't get on board with a holiday that gives them errands.  Give me Thanksgiving, they say, with it's simple "Let's all enjoy each other's company and eat much food" theme.  It's hard to argue with that.

Christmas gifting can be overwhelming.  Or birthday gifting when you're unsure if a card, a beer, or a present from Tiffany's will suffice.  And in today's economy we can't afford to spend money on frivolous things.  So I introdue an alternative.

Mike and I received a gift the other day.  We were not growing older nor were we moving into a new house.  We were not expecting anything.  Yet a thing arrived.  It was a wall clock from our dear friend Rachel.  It had our picture on it.  It looked like this:

Our Wall Clock

Rachel and I had been joking about getting our friend Annie a wall clock as a gift while on our way to Chapel Hill for her wedding.  And the joke continued the rest of the weekend much to the dismay of our friends who do not always get our special brand of humor.

When a package came in the mail three weeks later I was confused.  Then I saw the wall clock and I burst out laughing.  There were our faces on a wall clock!

The gift was simple, unexpected, inexpensive, and brilliant.  It didn't require a gift in response, it's useful, it's humorous, and it reminds us of the giver whenever we see it and we smile.

It's the perfect gift.

So this holiday season, and watch out because it's coming up sooner than you think, let's say that less is more but fun is better.  Gifting should not be a chore, it should be a pleasure.  So shop and smile, friends.  Shop and smile.

You're lucky you have a real job

So acting is an odd profession and here's why.  Any other profession, if you are good at what you do and you want to do it, YOU CAN!  

Simple math equation.  Skill plus desire equals JOB!  S + D = JOB!!

In the acting world this is not so.  I can be a great actress who really wants a job and not get it.  In fact this happens more often than not.  More often than not I am told no.  People look at me day in and day out and say no.  No, you're not good enough. No, we don't want you.  No, too fat.  No, too old.  No, too pretty.  (I get that last one all the time).

And I keep doing it!  I have to!  Rejection is the biggest part of my job.  The more people that tell me no the closer I am to the yes.  

How many of you would still be doing what you're doing if someone didn't hire you?  Say you're a biologist (good for you!).  You got excellent grades, went graduate school, the works.  But no one will hire you.  Would you keep going out on interviews?  How many?  How many people would have to tell you no before you decided to do something else?  And what would you do, for that matter!? You've been for this for years and you're good at it.  And you love it!  Would you be willing to keep applying for jobs after a year of rejections?  Two years?  Ten years?  What if you were given a job (yea!) but you wouldn't get paid.  Still interested?  When do you stop trying?

Never.

Because if you stop then you'll always wonder what if.  And because every no is one no closer to the yes.  And that yes could be tomorrow!  So you never stop.  Well, I never stop.

It takes a certain type of person to make it in this business.  Well, two types of people.  Lucky sons of bitches who were in the right place at the right time and a career making job just fell into their laps and then there's me.  The talented young determined actress who slowly shuffles up the ladder towards success, her heart ever full of hope and her skin thickened to the insults.  Doesn't that sound like a great path to my destiny.  Yea thick skin!

And I've never wanted the easy road.  Well, maybe once or twice I've thought to myself "Why Natalie Portman and not me?" but who hasn't.  Mostly I'm happy to take the ladder rung by rung because I hope this will make the end result oh so much sweeter knowing how hard I've worked to get there.  And, really now, what's the rush?

What's the rush?!

I'M READY NOW!  I WANT IT NOW?  HEAR ME, SPIELBERG?  I'M READY!  I'M GREAT!  I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER SO GO AHEAD AND DISCOVER ME ALREADY!  WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

Any other career and I could have completed my education and gotten hired.  And gotten paid.  And had health insurance.  And vacation time, maybe.  But no.  I have to be an actor.  And I mean that.  I HAVE to be an actor.  I can't do it any other way.  I could teach acting but only if it doesn't get in the way of ACTUALLY acting.  And it might be selfish because right now it's not very...fruitful to be an actor.  (Usually it's VERY FRUITful to be an actor).  And yes I could use the money and security that another means of living would provide.  And sure my friends and I would have more things in common if my career didn't require fishnets and Meisner techniques (I lost you again, didn't I ladies) but dang namit I am an actor.  And I'm not ashamed.  And I'm not worried (usually).  Because every no is one step closer to that yes.  And one yes?  Well, one yes can be the top rung on that ladder of success.  So I guess I should get back to work, friends.  Thanks for listening.

How a song becomes a legend.

Once upon a time 

There was light in my life 

But now there's only love in the dark 

Nothing I can say 

A total eclipse of the heart

The song 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' has a very special place in MY heart.  I've always enjoyed the song, the lyrics, the epic drum beats and the fact that it never ends but it wasn't until October 13th, 2004 that the song became legendary.  It was my roommate Annie's birthday and I had organized a little get together with some friends.  There were flowers, cheese, and wine, all of her favorites (I know, I'm awesome).  I also invited some friends over and we listened to some music and chilled.  Very mellow.  Then "Total Eclipse' came on and I don't know what came

 over me.  The next seven minutes we spent doing what can only be described as one of the greatest air performances of all time.   For the complete story I turned to my old friend and ex-roommate Annie to hear her perspective on that night.

Annie

SRM:  So, readers, I am joined by my dear friend Anne-Caitlin Donohue.  Annie, sweetie, thanks for talking with me about that night.  I need some help filling in some holes.

ACD:  Um, sure.  What is this for?

SRM:  My blog.  I told you about it.  You've read it, Annie.  The blog!

ACD:  No, sorry.

SRM: (Pause) Oh.  Well.  I actually write about you a lot.

ACD:  Really?  

SRM:  Well, sure.  I mean, (laughing) we have had some times together.

ACD:  What have you written-

SRM:  Nothing!  Just about the wedding-

ACD: -because this may have to be cleared by my agent.  I mean, you can't really disclose anything without signing- I mean, there might be some legal stuff, you know?

SRM: (Pause)  Ok.  Yeah.  I'll sign whatever you want.  I didn't realize that you might not want me to-

ACD:  It's not that I don't want- you know I'll support you in whatever you do.  I mean, blogging.  Wow!  That's...that's so- Of course I'll let you share some stories.  I mean, we've got nothing to hide, right?

SRM:  Relax, Annie, any story that implicates you in anything also implicates me so you're totally covered.

ACD:  (Laughing) I don't know what you mean.  Why don't we just get on with this...

SRM:  Right, right, right.  Back to the subject of today's blog.  We are recalling how 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' became legendary.  So, Annie, the night of your birthday, can you describe for us how you began to perform to the song?

ACD:  How I began...

SRM:  Right, how did you begin- did you feel drawn to the song before we played it or was it spur of the moment.  How did you begin to perform that night?

ACD:  I'm not sure I follow.  The...the song came on and we danced, right?

SRM:  (Pause)  Well...I mean, yes.  The song came on and we danced.  It was a little bit more than that though, right?  It was like we were channeling Bonnie Tyler or something.  It was so intense!

ACD:  Yeah.

SRM:  So, what was it like for you.

ACD:  Um-

SRM:  For me, I kind of felt like I left my body for awhile, you know?  Like I was looking down at us from above.

ACD:  What is that?

SRM:  What?

ACD:  That picture?!  

SRM:  Oh!  That's of the performance!  Of the 'Total Eclipse' dance.  Rachel took pictures, remember?

ACD:  Yes, but what are you doing?

SRM:  I dunno, really.  Boy, I was SO into it, you know?  Like, wow!  Just in a different place.  I don't even remember half the stuff we did.

ACD:  What are you doing there?  It looks like you're attacking me!

SRM:  What?  Don't be ridiculous.  Look at the next one.  We're dancing.

ACD:  Okay.

SRM:  I mean look at how into it you were!  This was our moment, man!  And for years now whenever that song comes on we have to perform it again.  

SRM:  We performed at your wedding, for the love of Pete!

ACD:  Oh, right!  That's what that was!  Now those pictures totally make sense!

SRM:  (Pause) So... it really wasn't that great of a performance for you?

ACD:  No, it's not that it wasn't great.  I mean it was awesome, obviously.   

SRM:  You're not 'putting off sparks' though, so to speak.

ACD:  Well, Steph, for me it was pretty simple.  I was just really drunk.

SRM:  Yesssss, that's right.  It's all coming back to me now.

ACD:  Yeah.  So...

SRM:  So not a magical moment where were possessed by the soul of Bonnie Tyler?

ACD:  More like a moment where we were possessed by Jack Daniels.

SRM:  Right.  And at the wedding...

ACD:  Pretty sure we were also drunk.

SRM:  Huh.

ACD:  Sorry to break the news-

SRM:  No this is good.  Now there's no mystery, you know.  It's not some magical moment in the past.  It's something we can do again and again.  There's a formula.  We just need booze!

ACD:  Sure.  

SRM:  Wow!  I feel liberated.

ACD:  Great.  Glad I could help.  Also, and this is not a big deal, but it's Anne Procopio now.

SRM:  What?

ACD:  My name.  I got married so instead of Anne-Caitlin Donohue it's Anne-Caitlin Procopio.  So...instead of ACD it's ACP.  Just, you know, for your own knowledge.

SRM:  (Pause)  So do I have to go through and change all of the ACDs to ACPs or something?

ACP:  NO!  Just...FYI.  For the future.

SRM:  For the future, right.

I'd like to thank my guest, Anne-Caitlin PROCOPIO for helping me shed some light on the issue of how we go about making a regular old song into something 'magical'.

Answer: Booze.

Also interviews given by Anne-Caitlin Donohue or Anne-Caitlin Procopio are entirely fictional.  

Making Things Happen

Ever since I was a little kid, I've believed I possess the power to make things happen. Like if I think about something hard enough I can cause it to change.  It all started with the wind.  

I can remember being nine or ten and standing in my father's front yard in Texas feeling a breeze that began to cool the sweat on my skin and I thought, "That's nice". And then I thought about the wind, a great gust travelling across the lake and up into Westlake Hills, seeing in my mind's eye all of the leaves moving with the breeze as it passed, and finally I saw the wind reach me on my father's lawn.  And I didn't just see the wind in my imagination.  I felt it, the strength of the gust billowing my skirt and dancing through my hair.  I heard the leaves as they swirled at my feet.  And I was convinced that I could control the wind.

I know what you're thinking.  All children experience delusions of grandeur.  We all imagine ourselves as something other than what we actually are.  It's a part of growing up.  Well, the thing is, I never really outgrew these notions.  I mean I'm a rational able-minded adult who knows the laws of nature and is fully aware of my human capabilities.  Yet...

I spend a lot of my time 'day dreaming'.   I call it day dreaming because that's the rational explanation for what I do.  But actually I think of it more like manifesting.  I think about things I'd like to happen and I believe that this is helps them come to fruition.  I've read The Secret.  I'm well versed in the laws of attraction.  I understand the science behind what I'm doing but I am also aware that many people would find this practice absurd.  I actually missed the exit to the airport the other day because I was in the middle of thinking about how great it feels to book a national commercial.  I was practically crying with joy at the very IDEA of getting a commercial and suddenly I'm aware also that I'm missing my exit and I come crashing back to reality feeling more than a little silly.  I guess I shouldn't 'day dream' while driving.

So what, right?  So I spend a significant part of my day with my head in the clouds so to speak. I also spend the rest of my time actively working to make my dreams happen.  I guess it all evens out.

You want to know the really embarrassing part?  Well, sometimes when I'm outdoors, alone, and I feel a breeze on my cheek I think about the wind.  And I try once again to see it through my mind's eye and exert my control over the air.  

And you know what?  I'm not at all convinced that I don't have that power.  I haven't been proved wrong yet.

The Shakespeare Performance

"Does everyone have their props?"

"Emma has my fan, Stephanie."

"No I don't.  This is mine.  It was underneath my costume."

"No that's mine.  I left it on the couch and you put your costume on top of it."

"No-"

"Ladies," I shout reminding myself to use my teaching voice and not my directing voice, "Will everyone who uses a fan raise their hand."  Five hands fly in the air. "And now will you raise your fans."  Four fans wave in the air.  Damn.  I had spent two hours making those things.  No matter.  We've got five minutes til showtime.  

"Okay, no fans.  Repeat, no fans.  You'll have to work without them."

I am met with a wave of whines in response to this and I quickly raise my hand and widen my eyes which I'm sure are wild with slight panic, "NO FANS!  Now, places, please.  Places for top of the show."

"Thank you, places," grumble my students as they quickly run backstage.  The next three minutes are a mess as I frantically locate two costume pieces, three props, and one script, I find a plastic baggie for one lost tooth and thank god that no blood has gotten onto the white fabric of her costume and then, suddenly, it's time.  I step out front of the curtain to address the audience of parents, relatives and children.  They are here to see some Shakespeare and, by golly, that's what we're gonna give them.  I smile, slightly nervous.  Who knew there would be this many people here.  Not I!

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming.  Your children have worked so very hard these last few weeks and I am very proud of their efforts.  Now, without further ado, I present to you The Adventures of Pericles!" and with that I am offstage, shocked at the silence I find there and suddenly I take notice of the round scared wide eyed faces that surround me.  They are nervous, too!

"Hey guys," I whisper, "Take a deep breath with me, okay?  Breath into your bellies, good!  Don't worry.  You got this.  You're so ready.  So get out there and do old Billy Shakespeare proud!  Break a leg!"  And they smile, looking relieved, and we begin.

They are good, well, for the most part.  They forget some lines and they say the ones they do remember staring out at the audience with ridiculous smiles on their faces.  But then Georgia remembers to make a joke and the audience laughs and the kids start to relax and then they are actually having fun.

"Yet cease your ire,  you angry stars of heaven!" cries little Emilio dropping all the r sounds and speaking in a high falsetto voice which makes no sense to his character but somehow that's how he speaks onstage and for now it is nothing but cute.

Then Henry enters.  Sweet sweet Henry with his obsessive compulsive disorder and his ADHD which is assures me he "probably has, no doubt" and his gentle eyes.  Henry and his sensitive nature, insisting that he should play the lead, "Don't you think?".  And when I insisted he must play the King Simonedes for he was the more complex character and only Henry could possibly be able to handle the task, Henry agreed asking only for a moment to "compose himself".  All this at age seven.

He takes the stage now bouncing with energy, his voice screeching as he rushes through his lines, crying out with happiness and joy.  I've never seen him so free and I feel myself smiling hopefully that this is what his future can hold for him.  

And then the mistakes.  The First Knight running backstage in the middle of the scene to grab his goblet, the whispering of a line over and over until the actor remembers it's his, the use of one fan even after my reminders backstage that they were to be abandoned.  All par for the course really.  

And then they are bowing and their families are cheering and I'm standing backstage cheering right along with them, only a few tears escaping from my eyes.  Because I know how this feels.  I know how theatre, Shakespeare in particular, can change one's life.  Can effect you.  And I'm so privileged to be a part of that for these kids.  

It feels great.

Saving the world is exhausting

Did you know that it is bad to eat fish?  Yeah, blew me away, too.  I thought we were supposed to be eating fish.  Omega 3s and whatnot.  Turns out there's another school of thought, if you will forgive the pun.  We might want to watch our fish consumption because turns out, there's not an endless supply (what?!). So, this past Wednesday, I'm sitting in the cramped crowded auditorium at the Center for the Performing Arts in San Mateo to watch the first session of this years Speaker Series.  I know nothing about Dr. Sylvia Earle, our speaker, but she is introduced as the expert on all things deep sea related and I, a fan of swimming with the fishies, thought she sounded cool.

Cool doesn't begin to describe Dr. Sylvia Earle.

.

"Dr. Earle's adventures and her sense of wonder and excitement about the living underwater world has opened our eyes to the magnitude of our ignorance about the ocean and inspired us to protect it and respect its role in our lives. Earle has led over 50 expeditions worldwide, involving in excess of 6,000 hours underwater in connection with her research. In 1970, after being rejected from participating in Tektite I because she was a woman, she led the first team of women aquanauts, known as the Tektite II Project, on a two-week exploration of the ocean floor. In 1979, she walked un-tethered on the sea floor at a depth lower than any other person before or since (1,250 feet)."

Cool, sure, and I could even forgive her for being slightly scattered and confusing because she was passionate. I've never attended a lecture given by someone so happy and content with their choices.  Dr. Earle obviously felt lucky and proud to be what she is and do what she does. And that was so beautiful to watch.  So what if I had no idea what she was talking about half the time.  I just loved watching her speak.

Back to the fish.

It goes like this.  Pigs, cows, chickens.  These are very low on the food chain.  They eat grass and we eat them.  But fish.  A swordfish or salmon or halibut will eat a fish that ate a fish that ate a fish that ate a fish and so on and so forth so they are really very high up on the food chain.  When we order blue fin tuna, and this is very hard to accept because I love blue fin tuna, we are killing something that is very rare and very important to the under sea eco system.  Dr. Earle says no on should be eating blue fin tuna anymore if we are to save the species.

Sniff.

And salmon and halibut!  I LOVE salmon and halibut!  With some butter drizzled over the top and a splash of lemon.  Maybe some capers in a nice white sauce with some steamed vegetables...

I digress.

So no fish at all, Dr. Earle?  No more Omega 3s?

Of course not, silly child.  We can eat fish that are lower on the food chain.  Herbivore fishies like tilapia.  Mmmm, yummy tilapia.  And instead of eating fish that has been caught by the huge deep sea fishing corporations, whose fishing practices leave something to be desired, why not try eating farm raised fish?

Really?  Farm raised is good?  And deep sea is bad?

My head hurts.

Dr. Earle is an expert.  She knows her stuff.  And I listened.  I will probably never order blue fin tuna ever again.  And I will try to order tilapia off the menu instead of halibut.  And I can ask my grocer where that salmon was raised.  And he might even tell me the truth.

I can help a little.  Why not.

I will miss my fishies though.  Dipped in sauce.  Sprinkled with paprika...

Sigh.

Well, I can try.