Delightful

Self deprecating humor can be quite funny.  And useful.  Back when I was an awkward insecure gawky kid (I know, I know..."So last week, right, Steph?".  Very clever.), humor became my escape.  My defense.  If they could laugh with me then they wouldn't be laughing at me.  Sure it was mostly at my expense but at least if I started the joke then I was in control.  It seems so counter intuitive but making fun of myself was the first step I took towards liking myself.  Anyone who's been the butt of jokes knows how that can really take it's toll on your self esteem.  After coming home crying every day after school when I was twelve I decided to start laughing instead and I really haven't stopped since.  

By the time I was in high school I was a clown most of the time, performing for the crowds and losing sight of myself.  In college it was worse.  I look back at the girl I was then and I hardly recognize myself.  I'm sure my choice of collegiate activities might have something to do with my distorted memories (wink, wink) but I'm pretty sure I was too caught up in getting people to like me to really understand how much I was stiffing my true self.  In fact, I lost even more of myself because I was made fun of for being too sensitive and always wanting to talk about my 'feelings'.  My new friends told me to suck it up and quit my crying.  Enter the clown.  I stopped caring even more.  I became super skilled at making the witty remark to avoid any actual personal interactions.   I even stopped caring about how I looked and whether or not I graduated.  I was extremely unhappy but hid it well behind some smoke and a smile. 

That was me.  I think I've made some very drastic changes since then.  A change of location and new friends definitely helped to shock my system back to a healthier me.  Slowly I'm finding my way back.  I'm happy.  I've got an amazing fiance, family, and friends.  For so long I've played it safe because I was so worried about failing and looking like a fool.  I never wanted to give anyone an excuse to reject me.  And so I never tried.  

Well no more.  I'm on my way to being that silly carefree proud little girl I once was.  I'm not there yet.  I still use my humor as a defence.  I find that when I'm around sarcastic deprecating people I can easily slip back into my old patterns.  I'm working hard to rein in that side of myself.  I'm trying to greet insults, however masked, in an earnest manner instead of the same superficial callous banter.  In simple terms, I'm trying to be kinder.  

That being said, I'm never going to be all sweetness and light.  I've got an deep sarcastic streak in me and I love to poke fun with people.  As long as it's all done in jest and we are laughing WITH each other and not at the expense of each other, it's all gravy.  Which brings me to the title of this blog.

Delightful.  It's one my favorite words though I find I use it purely in a sarcastic manner rather than in the tone with which it is intended.  Seriously, try using delightful in a truly sincere way.  It's virtually impossible.  You sound like an ass.  But say 'delightful' with your tongue in cheek and you're almost always guaranteed a smile.